This was in response to a Fiction Challenge at The Prose

The basis of this challenge: Write a formal rejection to an unqualified candidate. (What do you “regret to inform them?”)

I’m a gamer (and a Computer Scientist) so I feel I’m allowed to make fun 🙂  Authors have the ability to add header images to their posts so I used this mechanism to attach the “sketch” mentioned in the bit.

–**–**–

[IMAGE ATTACHED] —–>

Dear “EpixTeaBagSpooge” I regret to inform you that your application for the position of Lead Game Functionality Designer was rejected. Although we appreciate your very apparent enthusiasm for our products, except for the one quote “you nerfgayd in the 90s,” and your overall zeal for the industry, your handwritten resume and responses to our Computer Science test were not on par for what we are looking for to fill this position.

To review your resume we do see that you have stated that you have over 30 years experience in as you say “mass skillz that pwn all.” We do also recognize you documented this by including everything from your current screen-shot journal of your 22 level 110s in World of Warcraft “all in raiding purps,” to polaroids of your Television showing off your “l33t high scores” on the River Raid in 1983.

However what was most curious were some of your more colorful answers to our Computer Science test questions.

Q) What is your unique definition of Computer Science.
A) It is the science of how to use a computer for Tot@l PWNAGE! You ever read them sites where they tell you how to get the best weapon loadout for Destiny 2!? I wrote a blog once on the sceince on how to get a better KD ratio with more HEADSHOTS in Counterstrike baby BOOM! And it is also the science of making games not stupid, that is totally important.

Q) Given the management portion of the position in question; define your strategy to act as mentor to the junior engineering staff, especially in situations when they may be stuck technically.
A) Tell em Down in Front, Yap it and if they don’t listen tell em to Get on the Bus! Like when we raided Molten Core back in the day ya better know your rotation or GTFO and def 50 DKP MINUS!

Q) Explain your overall solution discovery methodology when a physics based event system reaches its maximum output.
A) Physics is AWESOME! Get in a corner and shoot as MANY grenades as possible as fast as you can who cares about lag cause once I blasted a guy off the map in Call of Duty 4 and I lol’d so hard I peed. Ya know what is also AWESOME about physics!? Boob physics! You ever seen that DOA: Beach Volleyball game?! Flip flappin everywheres z0mg AWESOMESAUCE!

Lastly we would like to honestly thank you for the sketch you drew and submitted with your application. In all seriousness it made it on the fridge in the break-room. Although you weren’t able to get through the first hiring gate you will always be remembered, even though you said “if I don’t get this job I’m totally going to get the gig writing for the new Star Trek.”